I miss my makeup

I always do this to myself.  I go through phases, where I’m this super girly girl, all into her face and hair, and then…that all disappears, and I get too wrapped up in my art and stories, that I forget about my girly side.  Then, after a month worth of working on my art, I’ll go back to making videos and being all girly again.  Its always this topsy turvy thing, I can never just do it it all at once.  I mean, doing makeup might just be a vain thing to some people, but it still is just an artistic expression.  It still takes the same amount of energy out of me, to come up with a  look, ready the materials, shoot and edit.  Sometimes, it takes even more energy than working on a watercolor, or sculpture, or storyline….you feel me?  Editing is very time consuming, its definitely my favorite part about having a YouTube channel, but it takes, sometimes 2 days to edit a 20 minute video down to 3 minutes.

Is it crazy to work on a million projects at once?  Here are all my current pending projects : Working on a clay sculpture, working on drawing a comic, working on finishing up a short story, and then there's always time for my painting and video games, not to mention I just installed Photoshop on my new laptop ^_^  so you can see out of all my fun options why I just haven’t devoted anytime to my YouTube account.  I know I’ll get back to it someday, but for right now, I want to do art

Is there a bald spot yet…?

I pulled an all nighter last night.  After Logan went to sleep, I had two boxes of orbs I had to wrap….I help out my mother in law with her home business, and she pays me very nicely.  Per box averages me out about 2 hours, so last night I did a 5 hour stretch.  I finished up around 1am.  I texted my husband that I would be up all night working, and could he take care of sandu today, when he got back from work.  My husband works 24 hour shifts, so even just asking him to help out makes me feel bad.  But what makes me feel worse, is when he replied “Don’t worry I’ll be there for you” but then sneaks out of the house as soon as Logan wakes up, so he could go workout with his bros….did I mention that I fell asleep at 3, because I still had to clean up the boxes and put away any dangerous objects….and then my son woke up at 5 soaked in piss (because my husband refuses to get the diapers with Winnie the Pooh on them….you know the ones that can actually retain moisture)….So now to hear that he’s stepping out to play tennis after promising me a morning where I can sleep in…sort of….really….fucking annoys me
I’m on that thing this month, so I’m going to be fucking annoyed a lot this week
Anyway, I told him to have a good workout and now I’m here.  I just don’t want to be the reason why he can’t hang out with his bros, but it does seem that when his bros are around, my husband seems to think he's void of all responsibility…and that’s what pisses me off, not his family.  I love his family in fact, he's got all super smart brothers, and his parents are warm and inviting people.  I don’t know why my husband acts that way, but it’s always been like that with his brothers, they always come first.Sometimes we argue over it, because a wife doesn’t want to feel like 2nd place, or like a third wheel to her own husband.  But I’m learning to except that he’ll never change, just like I’ll never stop morphing into a raging bitch whenever he spits out his spirals of lies…
let me stop now, I’m annoyed, but not that annoyed, I can get very carried away with my feelings and words.  Sometimes, I will come out as a raging bitch, when really I just feel passionate.  That’s actually the story of my life, and trust me its not fun or easy.  Sometimes, trying to wear your heart on your sleeve, around people, back fires.  Sometimes, people don’t want the truth, or to deal with emotional or spiritual people.  It seems like now and days, if you’re not talking about Breaking Bad, or Waking Dead….well then you’re just not good enough for conversation.  Well, I’m working on getting rid of all cable and TV.  Although I would still be able to access those shows online, I'll stick to my diarrhea of reality housewife shows thank you very much.  Where are the people, that I can talk about those shows with?  Or about how the old Tomb raider is actually way better than the new one….or how HER was a lame ass movie….but no, no one like that exist for me.  I am one of a kind, a hater to some, an artist to many…I’ve tried so hard in the past…
I’ve tried to force myself to like WWE and South park, I’ve tried getting into the Hobbit and being apart of the Always Sunny culture of this country, but I just can’t change my nature.  I like what I like and I have to accept that fact that I’m going to be alone in my choices.  I’m too weird…too different….or maybe just not around people that vibrate at my frequency.  But to find any person, who will vibe on my level is hard.  And in the past, those people were usually guys, who were friends, but I’m married, I can’t be out and about with a bunch of guys.
I’m perfectly happy enjoying my quirkiness alone, but it does get lonely.  So I just focus all my energy on my son, and family life...but at night when Sandu goes to bed, my higher self emerges, and I find true happiness within myself.  Where the gatekeepers can't prevent me from coming out.  Where I let my hair down and work on my hand stands, or paint, or even write in this blog.  I love who I am, I'm great, and I want to share myself with the world....even one who wants nothing to do with me >_<
I’m going to end on that note, but FYI, I’ll be posting art and stories here in the future.  I’ll try to caption the title so people would be able to tell a reg blog post from a story or art.
If anyone is reading this, please comment me below your thoughts, I’d love to read them.  Thanks and bye
-Jackness

Angel’s Outlook

 

This is me learning how to use photoshop, this is one of the few completed PS pieces I’ve done.  I find that because you have unlimited abilities in PS, I can never finish a piece!  lol, but its fun to play with.

Photoshop CS5

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Pulling my hair out

“Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.”
This quote came from a motivational and spiritual speaker Ralph Smart.  My little sister turned me to his Youtube videos (link below), and I’ve been hooked.  He preaches about positivity and tuning into yourself.  I love watching his videos when I feel like I’m at my wits end.  Which, is how I’ve felt all week.  My 1 year old has been very needy and whiny lately, so I’ve really felt stretched thin.  At the end of the day, I love him so much, its just that even us moms, need a break.
I should be updating my eyeshadow blog, but I’ve been too lazy to play with make up, and with my son being extra whiny, its hard to even look away without him crying about it.  At first I thought, “well, maybe, I don’t play with him enough.”  But then again, I’m a stay at home mom, who’s every waking moment consists of catering to my son, so maybe it’s the opposite, maybe I need to step back and let him cry.  Being a mother is hard because its all about finding those balances.  One of the more hard things about being a mom, is letting your child cry.  Whether its because you’re establishing a bed time routine, or because you’re trying to break a bad habit, either way its so fucking annoying.  Like really fucking annoying, to the point where screaming into a pillow is just not good enough.  Throwing stuff at your “less than understanding” husband isn’t good enough, and quite frankly all the wonderful help and advice from your close friends and family, still is just not enough to drown out the miserable sounds of  a crying child, one who has to cry….  Don’t take this as me saying that I’m one of those mothers that just lets her child cry, because as mentioned above, I am the complete opposite, which is why I’m even venting right now.
Lucky for me, through the unconditional love of the universe, or just my mom’s computer luck, I was gifted a nice little laptop.  Previously, where I would have to steal 3 minutes a day to run upstairs to the pc, I can now sit and watch Logan, while doing my computer duties.  Now I can edit videos, blog, check youtube and all the other fun things I miss doing.  So thank you so much to my mother for passing down her old HP to me.  I’ve rebooted and reinstalled everything so it works brand new, and has yet to give me any issues.  Its got 4 gb ram and 500 gb storage, which is great, the only problem is the slow 2.5 GHz processor it has, but hey, I usually run one program at a time anyway.
So yea, back to my venting…so my son has been super needy this week, even when my husband is home to help out, Logan still obsessively follows me every where and whines if I step out of the room.  I know its normal for a child who just turned 1 to do this, so I have to be extra patient and understanding, but I’m telling you it sucks.  When I close my eyes at night, I still hear the echo of him crying, and sometimes I’ll check on him in his crib, and he’ll be sound asleep.
I really hope I’m not making my son out to be some bratty kid, because he is far from that.  On contrary, I’ve been complimented many a time about how well behaved he is, how he doesn’t cry or fuss as much as any baby his age, etc etc.  He really is such an angel and a blessing, its those solitary mommy moments I’m talking about.  The worst thing about it all is, that even with all the help and support, its still a billion times easier to deal with a pain in the booty baby, alone, than with people around.  With others,opinions are shared, and offers of help are giving, but then also routines are being broken, and new, inconvenient ones, are created.  So next time your baby is crying, because a certain toy is out of batteries, or because he can’t touch the tv, instead of running and catering to him crying…just let him cry, because at the end of the day, you’re showing your child that crying will not change the environment around them, and that its ok to not always get instant gratification.
Anyway, if anyone got around to reading this, I would love to know if you thought this point was very controversial, or if you completely understand where I’m coming from.
Til next time
-Jackness
Ralph Smart’s youtube:  Infinite Waters (Diving Deep)

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