unforgiveable

 some things you just can’t forgive 

i can’t believe i ever cared

my ex husbands family has reminded me of all the ways I am:

not good enough to be seen or heard,

not worthy

unintelligent

incapable 

insignificant 

too brown

too dirty

a peasant for washing my own dishes

a wench for being a hands on mother

a bitch for defending myself

worth emotional, verbal, and mental abuse

unable to show emotions of any kind.

This is how I’ve been made to feel over the turbulent 13 years in my relationship with Alex.  And in that time, I celebrate every holiday alone with my kids except for the few that his family or mine would host.  every Christmas I bought all the gifts I did all the wrapping and I was Santa.  every Easter I bought all the baskets got all the eggs and made the hunt.  every Mother’s Day I spent by myself all alone.  on my first Mother’s Day I was called fat.  i’m constantly being reminded of what a poor mother I am even though they used to pay me to be their nanny for their family.  They meddle and mess with my kids things.  kick my dogs when I wasn’t looking, or when they thought I wasn’t looking.  they’ve stuck boogers on my bathroom wall every single time they’ve come over for a visit.  they’ve stolen my house keys and they’ve broken into my home several times over the years.  it’s my fault for choosing to stay in such a toxic family.  and unfortunately that choice has now hit me in the ass.  because this family who has hated me for so long is now coming after my two sons.  they’re the only thing that I have that’s precious in this world because I come from a nothing.  and they’re taking me to court and claiming that I’m in capable and mentally unstable to take care of my children.  I can’t believe that I spent the last 13 years crying because I couldn’t make these people happy.  I can’t believe what an idiot I’ve been for so long.  I actually thought these people cared about me to some degree.  like maybe like 1% they like and could tolerate.  But no.  they lie cheat and steal and get away with it.  there is no justice in this country.  there is no fairness and life isn’t fair.  and also I’m not allowed to feel any kind away about that otherwise I get cast as emotionally unfit.  

so here I sit with no emotions behind a screen.